Why Self Help Doesn’t Work
That might sound like a bold claim and you might already be saying to yourself “bullshit, self-help has really helped me.” The self-help industry is vast and it is impossible to make the claim that none of it works. Indeed, there are plenty of great works out there.
But I’m not here to claim it doesn’t work. I want to show why it doesn’t and then offer suggestions on how we can fix it. I have to confess that I am a self-help junky. I read these books and sites voraciously and then I apply the concepts where I can. I have begun to create my own synthesis of all these experiences which I will share with you.
For those of you who like to skip to the end, here are the main reasons why self-help doesn’t work:
- Focus is too narrow or too wide
- Lack of a framework for mental and emotional health
- Lack of actionable behavior change activities
- Objectivity is (next to) impossible
The big and little pictures both matter
Many self-help books and programs are not whole person focused. They often, necessarily, tackle just one or two areas of your life. This narrow focus can be helpful but when it lacks a focus on the whole person and has no grounding in a framework for healthy living, it is too easy to get lost. You might be simply looking at symptoms of something much larger.
In some other cases they may be so broad as to only provide you with a philosophy. Philosophy is great but lacks the help in self-help.
Maybe I just need to cut down on coffee
And while a philosophy might provide a framework for you, most other works are so narrow that they lack any framework at all. A framework is important because we all need balance in our lives. We need to be able to determine if a lack in one area is not actually caused by something else. A good example could be the interplay of our physical and emotional well-being. Plus we need some way to determine if a course of action is right for us.
What if I’m just lying to myself
A cornerstone of mental and emotional health is integrity. I appreciate the Landmark Forum for recognizing this and weaving it into all their work. Integrity is a fundamental aspect of most mindfulness methodologies as well. Without starting at integrity, we can build all the new habits and practices we want but we may never feel ourselves to be authentic. If we are not first true to ourselves, adopting any of the habits of the highly successful will not lead us to happiness. We may become more effective at some area of our life, but effectiveness and achievement are not the path to happiness. It is, rather, the other way around.
And much of self-help is achievement oriented. We could sum up most of the bylines as “Get what you want out of [insert area of your life you feel lacking]”. This might be all you are looking for but it could also just be treating a symptom.
Words Matter
That is not to say that self-help is not helpful. Aside from helping you build new skills or habits or even calm some of your fears, it can also provide you with a new vocabulary with which to think and talk about yourself. The danger here is that you just tell the same old stories with new words.
In some cases, this new language is all the book or program will give you. You might have found this intelligent new way to describe how your last partner had an avoidant attachment type and you seem to have a more anxious one, but you still have no idea why or what to do about it. In fact, it might even feel like now that you have a label that you are powerless to change it.
But sometimes new language can help free us from our old stories. You might begin to accept the story when you tell it using new words. Conversely, you might try like hell to drop a story but your use of certain language may make it stick around. If I tend to say things like “I’m old” or “I’m not young like you” I might be unconsciously activating other stories that bring me some pain or cause me to react with fear. Words matter but they may not be all that is needed.
I can’t see my own ass
We all have blindspots and getting to the actual cause of our misery beyond these labels can take more than just deep introspection. You might even feel worse as you become attached to the labels and descriptions of your behavior.
Deep soul searching and journaling may eventually help you unlock some clues but it can be difficult to see your own patterns, ease your attachments, and bring your own intuition to bear on your thoughts, emotions and behaviors in an objective way. In short, we cannot question ourselves forcefully without also beating ourselves up.
And without integrity you can become truly lost without even knowing it. And then you truly won’t be able to see your own ass.
My head is full
I can’t spend all day with this whole book in my head just to feel better. We need to break things down – a lot. That’s not to say there aren’t books with good actionable steps. In fact, I’m working with others on a self-help review system that includes things like how action oriented the work is. Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live
Behavior change is hard work
But even if the work does present something actionable, often it lacks any grounding in basic behavior change. You might be thinking, “I just need to be more vulnerable..that’s the ticket”. But this might be a huge behavior change you are expecting of yourself. Vulnerability is a learned and broad set of behaviors. Where do you start and how do you know if you are making any progress? If you start to change your behavior, how long will it stick? Will it always require heavy conscious effort? How can I adopt a habit of highly successful people in the same way that they make it a habit? How do I make it something that is, by definition, not a conscious effort?
At least you have your health still
You might be thinking “is it really all that bad”? You got some new vocabulary, some broad behavior change goals, and maybe even a new philosophy on some important aspect of life like Why Men Love Bitches.
And no, none of this is bad, but it just isn’t working for most people. And there are ways for us to make it better.
How to make this better
Navel gazing isn’t all bad but we need a way to put our insights into action. A way that works – that we can know if it is working – so we can celebrate or adjust as needed.
Finding an action means we need to break things down into small chunks. Knowing it works means setting goals around this action. Reinforcing our success and keeping us motivated means celebrating our wins and adjusting when we experience failures.
It all starts with practicing stillness. You need a home base to go to. Practicing meditation provides a solid foundation for everything else.
You need a practice. You have to distill some lesson from the book into an action. Pick one thing and make it small enough. Instead of “be more vulnerable” you might start by seeking feedback from someone. Instead of “be more assertive” you might decide to remark to a waiter on your service or food. Instead of “lead when I’m with Shirley” you might decide to order her food..and be open to her corrections if you flub.
You need an alarm. There has to be something you will notice as a trigger for you to practice. The waiter shows up, the coffee is cold, your ice tea has sweetener, you get an email from your boss, you don’t receive a reply to a text message. You need the awareness to recognize “oh this is a trigger for practicing that thing I want to get better at.”
You need reinforcement. Celebrate your experiences. Enroll your friends. Even a “failure” is growth and learning. Before you know it, this lesson will be ingrained in your behavior and you can reap the benefits and move on to the next.
Raise your hand for assistance
To paraphrase someone famous, the only legitimate shortcut in life is therapy. The reason I believe this is true is because we simply cannot be objective with our own thoughts. Just as relationships are mirrors which help us grow, a relationship with an objective helper or group of helpers can quickly bring you to conclusions that self-help might take you years to achieve. The perspective and intuition of an outsider is like a shortcut to breaking through barriers you might not even know you have. Not to mention the support, encouragement, holding space and celebration of achievements that all can come from these types of supportive relationships.
So I strongly encourage people to try therapy and coaching and support groups. If you want to work with me send me an email and ask for a free introductory session.
There’s hope yet
The aim of this is to support you on your journey. Commend yourself for your interest and activities with self-help. As they say, the first step is recognizing. They also say the first step is the hardest. By engaging in this process you are already starting to move down from the stands and into the arena. As you look around, know that there are others here with you showing their support and wishing you success.